Monday, January 18, 2010

The Ministry of Mysterious Posts

Great Job!

Oh hey what do you think about ironic glasses? I got a pair.

I could really go either way with these things. On the one hand they automatically make the wearer a personal of historical significance. I mean who would give a shit about these bitches otherwise? But now they are receiving free premium tickets to see Lady GaGa play in Osaka (actually Kobe), and will be showered with gifts of sadistic men in similar glasses, special Lady GaGa custom headphones, a special Digipak tour CD, and fifteen seconds of meet and greet with Lady GaGa herself.

It's definitely a jump you should take, Slater.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Obvious

Krampus might be having flashbacks of a horrible night at the econo lodge with persons below 5 feet... but that's her own doing-- Motto... the econo lodge isn't the place to be- no offense.

Yay for memories though. Even if they are panic attack inducing ones for Krampus.

This article just makes total sense. But it still makes me think that my whole childhood was a sham/ a body of lies- I went to Catholic school.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tall Man and Short Man

If the tall one didn't suffer the handicaps of giantism I would sleep with him. He has a nice smile which reminds me of my hometown coffee-crush.

The short one, on the other hand, just reminds me of the Econo Lodge.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Importance of the Chins

What makes Fresh Fruit unique from other two-chick outfits like Tegan & Sara (minus the obvious "identically dykey Canadians") is our abundance of chins. As in between the two of us and individually, we have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Bruce Vilanch only has two chins. What a faggot. I don't know what kind of no-self-esteem ass-spelunker would want to sleep with a man who only has two chins.

'no living thing should smell like that'

Worlds apart we are! But Krampus and I are destroyers of worlds and probably still wear similar outfits every day unknowingly!

Our bond was sanctioned on a cardboard cut-out of the 4 hobbits with a boiling mix of blood, bangs, embarrassing Hot Topic items that everyone at some point owned in the 8th grade, and the sweet sound of Africa by Toto.
Krampus and I were like hungry falcons during the years of the failed musical collaboration. I had no talents in singing or instrument playing- plus no knowledge of power/ death metal. We obviously never really tried to make the band happen, but instead focused our attention on ridiculous stories and hilarious- if only to us- escapades/ making fun of every creature that walked by us. We were like Samwise and Frodo, except with no real direction or mission and no lembas bread. We were not like Sam and Frodo, but were very much like Hermonie and Cho Chang, if they had been roommates and/or friends.

But now I ride the bus all day and live vicariously through Krampus's adventures, despite me living in NY and her living in a rice-paddy field.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Scoop

666 Hails 666

We were going to be a two-chick noise rock/power electronics outfit called Fresh Fruit but we kept putting it off. Slater kept undergoing traumatic incidents of fecal incontinence (namely that time when we brought her Down syndrome brother to a Chinese buffet), Krampus was getting raped (was it rape? does "ow, stop" count as "no?") by Jamaicans with big dicks, and myriad other such uphill battles prevented us from reaching the stars or whatever other goals we may have had before we developed our twin heroin addictions.

Now we have been torn worlds apart by the intoxicating allure of money, employment, green tea and white people in kimonos, and neither possess the important bowhunting/sawhorsing skills needed to collaborate musically via Skype.

***If you want the Skype Partridge Family, stop reading this and check out Pablo668's Youtube channel***

But now we are badder and better than ever!

We are the perfect brend [sic] of the following acts, all of whom are held in high regard for their soothing melodies: Whitehouse, Pig Destroyer, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Wolf Eyes, and Animal Collective (THE BEST BAND EVER, WHEN I HEAR "WE TIGERS" I EXPERIENCE FEMALE EJACULATION INVOLUNTARILY)!

Pitchfork gave us a perfect 10.0 and we haven't even released an album yet. Of course, reviewer Mike Newmark over at will give us a post-perfect 10.1.

Please stay tuned for our debut release.

5.) A: What will you have?
B: I’ll have a (cheeseburger) and a (large) order of (French fries.)

6.)A: Excuse me. (Do you speak English?)
B: Yes. How can I (help you?)

7.) A: Hello, is this the Nakamura (residence?)
B: (Yes it is.) Who’s this, please?